Friday, November 29, 2002

Another piece of the Risk board goes the wrong colour over in posted by Mark at

Pay attention, 007. This is an excellent piece, by Andrew Sullivan, on the Miss World shenanigans. The following cuddly little (un)soundbite is culled from it. '"What we are saying is that the holy Koran has clearly stated that whoever insults the Prophet of Islam, Mohammed, should be killed," Umar Dangaladima Magaji, the Zamfara state commissioner, told Reuters.' So, that's all alright then. Well, I'm a bit tired of life, so I may as well dial-a-fatwa. Now hear this: The Union Jackal clearly states that Mohammed was a kiddy-fiddler and a psychotic, with pronounced personality disorders and a genuine problem with metaphysics. Compared with Buddha, Confucius, Christ and the rest of the gang, Mohammed is the Les Dennis of religious belief. There; that should do it. [The Jackal laughs his singular, rasping laugh into the desert night...]
The entry before last was supposed to have a link to a piece on Islamist fifth columnists but suicide gremlins struck at the vital point. Let's try again.

Thursday, November 28, 2002

We note with distaste chez Jackal that Salman Rushdie is enjoying a revived status as anti-Islamist provocateur avant la lettre, courtesy of the fatwa which hovered over his thinning pate after The Satanic Verses 'insulted' Lil' Mo. Nice to see that Taki has been spilling Champagne down Rushdie's evening dress in The American Conservative. Ignore the rest of the piece; it's just Taki trying to get some old Nazi off the hook. We like Taki at Jackal Towers though, because he talks about 'The Blair Gang' and 'Harry Bin Laden'. Most amusing.
The Fascist British authorities have once again fallen foul of the brave Guardian resistance fighters. This time, it appears the BritBosch© have been denying human rights left, right and centre by shaking down some Islamic tin-rattlers>. Oh dear, you poor lambs. Now, there are an awful lot of British Muslims who would be perfectly happy if charity money was being funnelled back to Al Qa'eda – as it undoubtedly is. That's why the authorities are checking out your 'charities'. You're in Britain now, Allah-heads. We're at war with some of your people. Please stop complaining all the fucking time because we're desperately trying to head off our own 9/11 which, unfortunately, is all too imminent. We expect The Guardian to whine about any statist action that doesn't involve acceptable levels of multicultural 'respect' and a lesbian buffet. Perhaps it's time we had clear levels of expectation as regards which British Muslims are genuinely charitable, and which are posted by Mark at

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Chimp culture strikes back! Antipodean pop chantoozy and celebrity sibling Dannii Minogue has dared to subvert the pop-star script. Now, as you know, it's pretty much axiomatic that, as soon as a pop star gets a soapbox, they act exactly like politicians. That is, they evaluate their electorate and say exactly what the mean average of those people would expect to hear. Which is why so many of them talk utter bollocks. But little Dannii has refreshingly honest views, I find. I may have my man purchase some of her long-players for the Jackal Towers gramophone. Incidentally, why is the restaurant bill mentioned? I hope Dannii didn't take GQ's money. Simon Kelner is a pious wanker, like all men's publishers (although James Brown deserves honourable mention for his Mussolini gag) and GQ is a tit-mag for office boys. I hope Kelner gets car-jacked and then mugged on the way home. By Dannii.

Monday, November 25, 2002

Fuck my old boots. P Diddy 'raps media' over AIDS. "Once you know about it, you are almost an accessory to the genocide if you don't do anything about it." Now, Mr Diddy satirises himself, and there's no need to expend time and processor-life chasing his absurdities down. Genocide, bro'. Wack wordage. And all the little kiddies being taught about HIV are now accessories to the carnage. Except to those African leaders who don't believe HIV causes AIDS, but thinks the white man does. What's more interesting is this new pop-stars-as-moral-messengers routine. Saint Bono steams into the West over Africa. Geri Halliwell gigs for the UN. Sting's off on one. Sarandon 'n' Streisand are burning their American flag bras. Right, we're going to start applying this principle a bit closer to home. This week: Morrissey sorts out the fire strike.

Union man: We are still basically unhappy that our demands of a 400% pay rise – in line with our exploited South American brothers' inflation rates – have not been met.

Morrissey: And heaven knows I'm miserable now.

UM: Well, we're none too happy. The FBU has, in the past, been exploited by being deemed to be a non-striking union.

M: Oh, a crack on the head is what you get for not asking.

UM: And it is time to throw off the shackles of big business and globalism and various huge, dark, right-wing conspiracies, and stake our claim for what is rightfully ours. And then some.

M: And a crack on the head is what you get for asking.

UM: Furthermore, we reject government claims that homes are being put at risk by the use of Victorian hand-pump engines manned by Gulf War II – undoubtedly being fought for oil – troops.

M: Oh, but it's not my home,
It's their home
And I'm welcome no more.

UM: Indeed, we are confident that no one is at risk as the result of the industrial action forced on our union.

M: Dizzy! Dizzy dizzy!
Hairdresser on fire!

Etc. continues in similar, amusingly satirical way.

Piss off Diddy. You're a gun-worshipping, clown-trousered charlatan. Bo!